Commitment

My firefly mind

I commit to everything and nothing all at once. My ideas flit through my head like brightly fluttering fireflies. Filling me with joy and frustration and disappointment and energy and exhaustion.

My enthusiasm for life often runs away with me. All of the time in fact. I’m excited by all life has to offer and often worry there are not enough years left for all the things I want to do. “What a lovely way to live!”, I often hear people say.

That would be true except I become easily overwhelmed and frozen, do nothing and then get disappointed that I haven’t managed to do any of the things that made me so excited in the first place!

Let me give you a glimpse into my world.

I ended 2023 buying Kate Humbles book ‘A year of living simply’ and found great comfort in the idea of doing less and being more intentional in my life - local hiking, planting, creating beautiful things. No more consuming and buying and thinking about money I don’t have.

That led me to find the wonderful Beth Kempton’s winter writing sanctuary that I fully embraced…for two days, lighting candles, breathing deeply and letting the words flow brought me great joy. I committed to making this a daily practice. Some suggested I should write a book. I started it immediately with a couple of paragraphs. I haven’t kept up with the course or the book although the words are still clearly flowing as I’m evidencing here.

This release of creativity has made me crave my photography and  I’m frustrated that I have no little ones around to try out all my ideas on. Aww I had little ones once, I’d love to have a photoshoot of the three of us before the biggest one leaves home later in the year. I’ll book a photographer for the summer, I can picture the images already. I need to lose weight, let me google exercise classes - this somehow leads me to a site for canoeing and an advert pops up for the Norwegian Fjords, a trip I’ve been dreaming of for a while. Mmmm how can I make that happen in 2024? …I’ve emailed Larissa and set a date for June. What should we all wear? I need to go shopping, will the boys even agree to it? How will I raise the money to pay her? I google part time jobs in my area. Maybe bar work at the weekend? Maybe more photography? This has got me thinking about my unfinished ‘studio’ space at the bottom of the garden and all that I could do with it. Ideas begin whizzing round my head like a tornado and then I begin to feel disheartened because I need money to complete it and I have none. This leads me to think about my mortgage running out and I start to scroll right move for ideas of where I could live. I get excited by some properties in North Wales and dream of running an air B and B or a guest house with a view of the sea and the mountains. Yes that’s what I’ll do! But I need to stop day dreaming and focus on the fact I’ll be back in the classroom next week and haven’t done any of my planning. I’ll miss my deadlines yet again but it’s ok as I’m taking Freddie to the snow-dome in a bit with a friend. I’ll take my laptop and do some planning then….or maybe I’ll take my book or write my next essay or plan a photoshoot or find a new home or book an exercise class… Maybe I should just breathe and let myself ‘be’. And THEN commit to something!